Okay im really gonna use this platform to keep track of what is happening after all these shit and the all the shit that I did and I even if I will try to find ways to avoid or escape, writing here can just remind me before I make things get worst.
Yes, i was indulging in whatever that makes me feel good for a moment and the next moment I cry myself to sleep. I was very comfortable with it until Reg confronted me to wake me up from it. I disappointed her and I really dont want to disappoint her again, she was the one that spoke truth that hurts but at the same time i was very grateful to her time and time, I m basically a rebellious kid hitting 30 soon. After speaking to Bev about how and what I feel about this whole thing, is like coming back to face the struggles and the shit I have all over again, this time with more shit.
As usual, I was very hesitant to share and eventually through an uncomfortable, awkward, heart to heart conversation she made me realise somethings that I might not know, is either I forgot about it or it just didn't come across my mind. I couldn't trust God fully because of what happened to my broken family, my mom especially. she became a christian after her broken relationship with my dad and all the years I don't see God in her, I don't see the change that I want to see, in fact her behaviour and character doesn't seem like she believe in Him. It makes me feel like why God didn't make her life better or even our life better? My family is still broken, my mom still hoards things, she still have ocd, she still spend money impulsively, she didn't become a mom that I will want. I went through stuffs that a normal family do not have to go through. It was so tiring that I will be jealous about people with parents that cooked, clean and spent quality time with them.
Yes I need to be humble and count my blessings, but the things that I am facing at home make me don't feel like thinking about the blessings that God has given but but to continue to dwell in the bitterness.
Because of my broken family, I do not have a father figure in my life, and I will tend to look for guys who are willing to love me for who I am, trying to feel that empty void in my heart. I do not care how God think of me how much i have hurt Him because I can't feel His love for me anymore. It is so tough to think that He loves me when i am alone in my room at night. Trying to escape from all the hurts and struggles is actually so much easier but temporal happiness is gained instead. Not only that I am hurting myself and also the people who loves me. I know I have hurt him so badly that I cannot forgive myself for doing that. Part of selfish me wants to go back to him but I know it will just destroy him. I want the best for him and I want to see him smile and laugh again. I miss the times that we spent together and I am very grateful that he was always there for me when I was hurting and whatever he has done for me. Whatever bullshit that I said to him made him believe in me and eventually i broke his trust in me which i am very disappointed with myself too. I pray that God can heal him and forgive me for what I have done to him.
Forgive me for whatever shit I have done. I really do not know whatever that I am going to face and I am really afraid tbh. Teach me and remind me to trust in what You are going to do in me and through me and heal my heart from all the sorrows and burdens of this world. please speak to me and I really need you in my life even if there are times that I question and maybe hate you to an extent. Make me learn to trust You, in Jesus Name I pray AMEN.
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