It is just the start of it. Trying all ways to not getting emotionally affected and trying to be a human with feelings all over again because it is easier to feel numb about everything around me. Thoughts of turning back is so real, the urge to call him, or even stalking him from afar, be it going to his workplace or waiting at his house for him to be home, it sounds scary but not to me at this point of time. I miss everything about him, the times we had spent together. I was heading to the value shop to buy air freshener for my locker at work and it reminded me of the last time we went to value shop recently. He was looking for his favourite kinder bruno chocolate and I was helping him to find at the same time. This thought came to me and I started to look for it this time, alone. I do not know why I am searching it as I didn't even crave for it. Finally, I found it and bought it immediately. As I was paying for it, I finally asked myself like why did I even buy it, and I realized because I just want to be indulged in a part of a memory that I have with him. I even thought of going to find him and pass it to him, because that was what I did in the past when I see something that He would like. I don't know how long I will take to be back to my normal self again, I will still have suicide tendencies, sometimes even trying my luck to walk slower while jaywalking, hoping I will get knocked down. God please forgive me for being like this. I thank God for giving me the peace whenever I pray every night or else I wont be able to sleep well, and my rashes are getting on my nerves. God I pray that whenever I feel like dying, I can be reminded of your love for me and surrender those thoughts to you, in Jesus name, Amen.
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