These 2 weeks was a struggle for me to really choose to not allow my feelings and my emotions to control my everyday life. I chose to surrender to God every morning, praying that my heart is guarded from whatever I was gonna face throughout each day. Today was my first time seeing him in church after a long 2 weeks, hoping to see him but at the same time being afraid that my heart could not take it. I do not know if he is avoiding me or not, I do not dare to even look at him in the eyes. However I miss him so much that I was quite happy to see him but at the same time afraid. However, he did not join for dinner and I was really affected. Negative thoughts like is he avoiding me, why does he need to leave, doesnt he miss me like I miss him, does he still cares for me, should we still be in the same lifegroup if we choose to avoid each other?
I was so affected that I even asked where did he go (fml, why did i even ask). Why did he have to disappear and leave me again, while I hoped that he would stay? Until now, it seems like my healing wound is getting infected again. My mind was flooding with so many thoughts of him all of a sudden. Does it even matter to me if I really know all the answers to my questions? Lunch with peiru just now got me realise something, am I avoiding my hurts and bitterness, hiding them under the carpet or am I facing it bravely? I really don't know.
God, please show me through the Holy Spirit on how I can handle my hurts the right way, and to prompt me not to hide it but to face it with you. I pray for peace in my heart, help me to know that I am not alone and you are with me.
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