It was a monday. I realised we have been together one at least a year. He decided that we should cut all contacts, distance away from each other. He is brave enough to make the move, but I am not brave enough to face this truth. I've been struggling all the while to make this decision and finally I am forced to do it. That night is the worst night ever in my life. Although he was beside me, and both of us knew that it would be the last time that we would spend the night together and I cried literally the whole night. I hold on to both of his arms so tightly and refused to let go, being so afraid that he will leave me once I fall asleep. I cried till I fell asleep, woke up because he tried to leave and I stopped him and continued to cry. I felt so miserable at that point of time. When we both woke up in the morning because I had to go to work, that was when I had no choice but to let him go. However, the bitterness in me caused me to call him after awhile and confronted him about the meaning of distancing away from each other, I knew the answer and I hope that he would said something like we can still text, but he said cut all form of contact. I hung up the phone while crying on the train to work, blocked him from my social media and archived his watsapp, deleted some of our photos, hoping that it would at least prevent me from looking back at the memories or having the urge to text him.
If it was easy to let go, I would have already done it long ago, I did not have the courage. However, I chose to keep going back and repeating the cycle again and again. I feel so lost, because he was almost my everything, I gave him my everything and someone that I trusted and depended on. I lost all of it and I have to turn to God for Him to heal me. Whenever I cross roads, I was hoping some car will knock me down and out of this world I go. Everything is fresh, the memories we had, the times we spent with each other, the wound in my heart. Deep down I know that he made this decision because he love me and God. I couldn't help but still blame him for being the ruthless one. I cannot make myself to see him in lifegroup and in church, trying always to avoid him even it may not be possible. Crying to sleep or tearing all of a sudden has become a daily routine suicidal thoughts was always appearing in my mind. Praying against all these is something that I need to force myself to do if I still want to survive.
God please forgive me for wanting to live the life that I wanted which is not pleasing to you. I pray that I can get set free from all the strongholds that has been in me for don't know since when. I also pray that you will heal both of us from the heartache that we are going through. Thank God for being always there for us in whatever circumstances we are in and remind us that our identity is in you and our souls should be anchored in You. I pray that you will continue to watch over him and his family. I pray that you will place Godly counsels with that will help him to go through this. In Jesus name, Amen.
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